You know when I first realized I didn’t want to be a rock star (yeah, I know, all of five minutes ago, right)? The moment I realized I was not interested in entertaining anyone I didn’t personally know and like (and by entertaining personally I mean like playing the guitar for a friend’s wedding, writing silly songs for the kids, making friends laugh, etc.). As a corollary to that I realized that I’m not really all that interested in “making new friends” either, meaning more people who will show up drunk at the house at 3:00 a.m. unannounced. At some point I stopped seeking and thinking about having what I wanted. And started wanting what I have. Not becoming possessive, really, because I give a lot more away now than ever; or becoming attached to anything material, but valuing each thing as it occurs, treasuring it while it lasts, nurturing its role in my life.
I realized something, too, when I wrapped up writing all those poems by request. That is, that ultimately I wasn’t interested in writing for other people anymore. In making what I was writing worth reading (by anyone’s standards but my own). I proved a point to myself, I think, and that is that I don’t need an audience. I don’t really care if anyone is listening, or if they think what I have to say is worth listening to. I’m not trying to convert anyone, or sell encyclopedias, or whatever.
That doesn’t mean that I’m withdrawing from society, turning off the creativity, or anything like that. It doesn’t mean that if you need me, tough luck. What it means is that what I have to say is not a commodity I’m creating for the sake of having something to say, or just so an increasing number of people can find me worth reading.
You may have noticed the format change in this journal over the last week or so. I think that’s indicative of a change in the content, as well. Perhaps it’s less accessible now, less safe. On the other hand, it feels (to me) more open, spontaneous – dealing with essentials, not extras. With being and not seeming to be.
Or something like that. You’re welcome to come along for the ride. Destination: freedom, awareness, truth – but not mine; that’s for me. You’ll need to pack your own.
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