Music and me (again)

For so many years my life has been defined by the Music I’ve wanted to create. Each time I get disgusted, and lay down the guitar (or bass or piano or whatever primary chording instrument I’m using at the time), it’s only a matter of time before something draws me back into that world – a need to express, melodically or harmonically, a certain sense of place and time. Many of my own bouts of indecision, self-doubt and uncertainty can be traced directly to the level of frustration I’m experiencing Musically. Because my primary influence in terms of creative units is based on the Beatles, I am constantly looking for collaborators – and while I have at rare intervals encountered souls who seemed “attuned” to where I was coming from (at the time), usually I end up alone, in the home studio, laying down tracks and attempting to fill in the gaps myself. One time when I was talking to someone about forming a band, and played them some of my tapes, they asked, “well, you seem to have it all together … what do you need me for?” I said nothing, but thought hard at that person — have you ever heard of playing live? And sometimes, when all you have is your own ideas, your own harmonic limitations, you end up simply imitating yourself. Instead of finding new chords and melodies, you end up playing every song you’ve ever written over and over again – and coming up with nothing new, just cannabalizing your own repertoire. Yet at this point in my life I don’t want to tour, or drive an hour to rehearsals, or hang out at bars till three a.m. or have someone crash at my house, high or crazy or both. I feel like Robert Hunter, sometimes, looking for Jerry Garcia. Or Pete Sinfield, looking for Robert Fripp. I’ll admit, I’m not looking all that hard. I’ve gotten to a point where it makes more sense to not look. Because looking always ends up with me thinking I’ve found something, and then it turns out to be so temporary. So many of the models I look to started out so much younger as collaborators, and grew into it as they themselves matured as humans. And besides, the Music industry environment today is not looking to nurture and encourage growth. So there it is. The solution is to just keep on doing what I’m doing. Unless, of course, there is someone out there who wants to collaborate 🙂

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